I am right in the thick of change at the moment, the kind of change that happens to you, rather than the change you choose.
I know that change is constant and inevitable in our lives. I’ve made lots of change in my working life over the last 5 years, it’s been hard, there have been setbacks, there have been highs and lows. Dealing with change that I have chosen, whilst hard, has always come with a sense of empowerment, a feeling of choice and maybe even some level of control. Now I am in the midst of a change that I haven’t chosen, and I am noticing how much harder I am finding it, but I am also noticing that it is giving me an opportunity to really employ my courage-building skills to find my way through it.
I support coaches and leaders to develop their courage building skills through the work of Dr. Brené Brown and the Dare to Lead curriculum. It is one part of my business, but a part that brings me joy, that feels important, and it fulfils and inspires me. Change is afoot with the Dare to Lead Curriculum, which some of you may be aware of, these changes will ultimately affect how I deliver this work.
I want to share some of the ways I am using my courage-building skills through this period of change, in the hopes of shining a light on the importance of this work, how even when we ‘teach’ something to others we are still a work in progress ourselves and ultimately to share a little of the power of the Dare to Lead work, particularly when we are experiencing change.
My stories
In the absence of data and information (a given in times of change!) we make up stories to fill the gaps. The stories we make up may be the truth or, of course, they may not. We need to check out our stories, ask questions, be curious and open to learning more.
The challenge often with change is that the data and information we need is just simply not available yet, so what then?
During periods of change we are often in a state of not knowing, not having all the answers. This is uncomfortable and, in our rush, to offload our discomfort we search for answers that simply aren’t there yet. I am leaning into my discomfort, sitting with it, being curious about it and ultimately learning how to sit with the vulnerability that is inevitable when we choose to be courageous.
I’m paying attention to my stories and what lies beneath them. For example, many of my stories right now are based around a sense of not being enough – not a good enough facilitator, not experienced enough, not courageous enough, my voice isn’t big enough. Basically lots of ‘I am not enough’.
Many of my stories are driven by comparison, scarcity and shame, and all the messages are my own voice, my inner critic you might call it. Rather than wasting energy looking for the evidence to prove those messages, I am actively looking for evidence that shows those messages to be untrue, and when you look for it, it is nearly always there. Sometimes it comes from within, your inner self-compassionate voice and sometimes it comes externally. For me, that’s from my clients, my colleagues and my friends.
I watch out for shame, it’s a hard emotion and the one most likely to force us out of our integrity. Because I’ve done the work, I know what my shame triggers are, and I can recognise my physiological response to shame. This means I know when I need to take a step back, pause, breath, talk with a trusted friend who can offer me empathy and then choose what I want to do next. Sometimes shame still catches me unawares, as I say I’m a work in progress, just like you.
Getting curious about emotions
Over the past few weeks I have spent a lot of time being curious about my emotions, what might they be telling me, what’s their function. As Susan David teaches, I try not to view my emotions as positive or negative, they are just emotions, and they are all data and information. When I am mindful in this way, I can make choices about which emotions I want to pay attention to and which I can just let pass through me.
What I know to be true, is that developing courageous coaches and leaders is the work I am called to do, it brings me joy, it makes a difference and its important work in the world right now. Feeling all the emotions and being curious about their function has reminded me of this. It doesn’t make the change easier, but it does help me to recognise that I am making a choice to stick with this because it is important to me.
Living into my values
I am leaning into my values, really practising them. I am making conscious choices about how I want to show up in every moment, interaction or conversation about Dare to Lead. This is only possible because I have done the work to really understand what practising my values looks like, and it means I can check in with myself when I find myself living outside my values. How will I show up differently next time? Who do I need to circle back to and try again?
Self-compassion
Perhaps, my most important tool is self-compassion. Yes, self-kindness, but more importantly recognising my common humanity, I am not alone. There is a whole global community of Dare to Lead Facilitators who are experiencing this change too. Their experiences will be individual and different to my own, but just knowing that I am not isolated and there are people I can reach out to is a huge comfort.
My final thought
These are just a few of the ways that my courage-building skills are helping me through this period of change. The level of critical self-awareness that the Dare to Lead programme has given me, means that whilst I don’t always get it right I have the tools and awareness to notice, be curious and pick myself back up to try again.
I have to own my part in this whole journey, because knowing that I can make choices about how I want to show up, how I want to think, feel and behave gives me the sense of empowerment, choice and control that I thought was missing from the change we do not choose.
If you’re going through a period of change and would like to do so with more courage, then please reach out and let’s chat.
Or if you would like to know more about my courage-building programmes for coaches and leaders, just let me know.
About the Author
Melissa is a Leadership Coach and Certified Dare to Lead™ Facilitator based in Dorset, with a particular interest in supporting leaders and coaches to be more courageous in their work and lives.
Find out more about Dare to Lead for Coaches, Dare to Lead for Leaders or One to One and team coaching.
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