I have a 'love/hate' relationship with perfectionism! I often refer to myself as a 'recovering perfectionist', but maybe that makes it sound like I was but I'm not any more. The reality is that it's way more complicated than that.
I think it's fair to say that perfectionism exists on a continuum. We all probably have some perfectionistic tendencies, maybe in particular aspects of our lives. I know that my perfectionistic tendencies are at their strongest when I feel vulnerable and afraid, and when I am trying to be courageous. However, I know that for some, perfectionism can be compulsive, chronic and debilitating.
I remember saying to a colleague once (who accused me of being a perfectionist) that there was nothing wrong with wanting to be perfect it just meant that I wanted to be my absolute best. Thanks to Brené Brown's work, I now know that there is a difference been healthy striving (how can I improve?), which is internally driven and perfectionism which is externally driven by the often all-consuming question - what will people think?
"Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, work perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimise the painful feels of shame, judgment and blame." - Brené Brown
What I've come to realise is that when I allow perfectionism to creep in, it kills my curiosity. In my coaching practice that can be a real challenge. I also know that perfectionism drives the belief that we have to know everything or risk looking 'less than'. Again not helpful in coaching!
Imagine all the amazing coaching conversations we're missing out on because of our fear of failing, making mistakes and disappointing others. In fact, imagine what we are missing out on in all aspects of lives.
In her book 'Atlas of the Heart', Brené describes perfectionism as both self-destructive and addictive, and here's why.
"Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfection. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally perfectionism is more about perception - we want to be perceived as perfect. Again this unattainable - there is no way to control the perception of others, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying."
Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgement and blame, we often believe it's because we aren't perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look and do everything just right."
Aiming for perfection also gets in the way of our ability to practice self-compassion.
One of the key components of self-compassion is recognising your shared humanity and embracing the reality that nobody is perfect. If you've ever made a mistake and someone has said "don't worry, you're only human" you know what I mean.
In a study led by Madeleine Ferrari, researchers found that self-compassion can help protect against depression in people with perfectionistic tendencies. The study showed that self-compassion “consistently reduces the strength of the relationship between maladaptive perfectionism and depression for both adolescents and adults.”
Overcoming perfectionism is not easy and I also don't think there are any quick fixes.
However, I do believe that learning to acknowledge our vulnerabilities, particularly to the very human experiences of shame, judgment and blame; developing our shame resilience and practicing self-compassion give us some really strong skills to support healthy striving.
So I do describe myself as a 'recovering perfectionist' because this:
Acts as a reminder that there is still work to be done everyday
It reminds me that I am human, imperfect and messy, and most importantly that I am not alone
Encourages me to reach out and ask for help from people who struggle too
Brené Brown describes herself as an "aspiring good-enoughist" and I kind of like that.
If your struggling with your own perfectionist tendencies I recommend reading 'The Gifts of Imperfection' by Brené Brown and accessing resources to support your learning (link below).
And if you'd like to chat, then you know where I am.
About the Author
Melissa is a Leadership Coach and Certified Dare to Lead™ Facilitator based in Dorset, with a particular interest in supporting leaders and coaches to be more courageous in their work and lives.
Find out more about The Courageous Coach, Dare to Lead for Leaders or One to One and team coaching.
コメント